Our mini vacation and another lesson learned

This weekend, our family made a fast decision, packed up some bags and took a quick overnighter to Seattle. Between Seth's adoption and other family things, we have not had a real vacation with our kids in over two years. Realizing that one night is definitely not long enough to constitute a "vacation", it was all we had, and we enjoyed the spontaneousness of it. We took as many kids as could get away on that short of notice, and felt grateful that for the ones we were leaving, we knew they'd be good, make wise choices and take care of each other. They even made it to church on time. :) The wildest thing they did was run to Taco Bell at 4:00 in the morning. What a blessing that is!

On our way out of town, watching "Brother Bear".... 

 

Fun with flashlights... because what else to you do to entertain kids in the car after dark?

 

 

I swear this child is part fish.  Here he is showing off a new skill that his PT has been working with him on.  Hanging on to the side of the pool and side stepping, except he can't resist bobbing his face under water the entire way.  :) 

 

 

Adam and Hannah, hot tubbing...

 

 

Playing on the iPad, while waiting on some pizza.

 

We had a great (albeit short) trip, made some fun memories and learned some things along the way.  We saw several moments where we were reminded what amazing kids we've been blessed with... Hannah's kindness towards Seth in the pool.  She loved helping him swim, swimming on her back, with him floating on top of her. 

 

I gave each of the boys a quarter to buy a prize out of those little machines at Pizza Hut. Noah chose to use his to buy his sister a piece of "jewelry". I loved it so much that I gave him three more quarters so he could buy the other three sisters a piece of jewelry too. Each sister is now proudly wearing her "jewelry".

 

Sarah was so sweet to Noah and shared her iPod with him on the way home.  They played together for a very long time and it was sweet to watch our two children, 9 years apart in age, laughing and having fun. Our girls are always very kind to their brothers and always quick to help out.  We're grateful they truly like each other, even in the confines of a five hour trip in a suburban. 

 

We are so looking forward to a real vacation this year.  Our one day "quick trip" reaffirmed to us how much we've missed things like this, where we set aside the busy-ness of our lives, and all of the chores, and the doctors appts, and therapy appts, and IEP meetings, and basketball practices, and piano lessons, and grocery shopping.... and just spend some quality time laughing together.  Because it's those moments that make all the other moments worthwhile. 

 

We also learned some new things about Seth.  Seth has come a long, long way, but he is far from healed.  Seth has emotional baggage that will take years to resolve. Other than two quick trips to Montana, this was the first time in 15 months that Seth has not slept in his own bed.  He doesn't know what  a "mini vacation" is.  He had no frame of reference for "hotel room".  He was unsure of this whole idea when we hit the half way mark on our trip over.  I underestimated that.  Seth did well in the car ride, although the longer we drove, the more anxious he clearly became.  He ate a good lunch in the car and had a great time in the pool.  When we went back up to our room, it went steadily downhill. 

 

He refused dinner.  Refused snacks.  Refused drinks.  He HATED the hotel room.  He hated it so much, we had a very hard time getting him to sleep.  He cried for over two hours and we were at a loss as to what was wrong or how to help him.  He finely fell asleep, although it was not a good sleep.  I woke up at 2:51am, rolled over and looked at him, and he was wide awake, staring at me.  What was going on in the little brain of his?  Why was he so sad?  Why was he watching the door?  Why did he cry louder each time I walked away?  I tried laying with him.  I tried rocking him.  I tried playing primary music on the iPad, I tried sleeping sitting up, holding him, I tried walking around the room with him.  Nothing worked.  He was in constant vigilance. 

 

In the morning, we went down for breakfast.  I expected him to eat a ton, since he hadn't eaten anything since 2:00 the day before.  He did eat, but not as much as I thought he would.  We took kids back to the pool and Seth played, but with less enthusiasm. He was definitely more than ready to get out of the pool when we said it was time. Very unlike him.  He cried when we came back up to the room.  We quickly changed clothes and packed for leaving and Seth was elated to change clothes.  He even handed me his AFO's.  He was practically giddy as we left the hotel room.  After about an hour in the car, he began to deteriorate again and I knew he really needed sleep.  We stopped for lunch, where he cried almost the entire time and would not eat, and then became hysterical when we put him back in the suburban.  I gave him something to help him sleep, and thankfully, he finally fell asleep.  When he woke an hour later, he was a lot less weepy, but still anxious.  He was better if I sat beside him, and so I did. But he still would not eat.  We made it home, where he gladly fell into bed with a kiss and a prayer, and five hours later, he still has not moved.  

 

We are so glad we went.  Not only did our family need this time together, but we know that anything new is very hard on Seth, even after 15 months.  A new experience will be a new challenge, every time.  But now that he's experienced a "vacation" and he knows he comes home again, our next trip will be much better for him.  

 

It hurts my heart to be reminded again that he has no life experience for this type of thing.  He has no field of reference for a family packing up the suburban and heading out for an overnight getaway.  And anything he doesn't "know" yet, makes him apprehensive.  Because his mind will always always take him back to where he's come from.  Always. 

 

As I was talking with a friend of mine about this, I thought again just what families do for these kids.  It's not just a nice idea to adopt a child from an orphanage.  It's not just a way to grow a family.  Because really, this isn't about the family we used to be.  It's not about us doing something nice for a child.  It's not about us.  It's about him.  Adoption is about Seth.  It's about rescuing one boy from a life I cannot even wrap my mind around.  The loneliness.  The neglect.  The boredom.  The aching for love.  The missed life experiences.  Adoption is fixing that for a child.  For them, it's huge.  It's monumental.  It's life changing and life saving.   

 

Can you even imagine what his life was?  What any orphan's life is?  Would you ever want your own children to live that way?  Of course not.  But he IS ours.  And we're in the business now of raising a child who's come from that background, and so I need to stop being surprised that he is still absolutely terrified that at some point in time, he will be "transferred" again, out of our care and into his next facility.  I need to quit being surprised that he's afraid this will one day end.  I need to expect that he will worry when faced with new experiences, because who would want to give up a family, to go back there?  Who would want to lose a family it took 6 1/2 years to find, only to be abandoned again?  Who can blame him for being anxious about that?  And you know what all this really means?  You know what the beauty of this is?  He loves us.  He really, really loves us.  He's attached.  He's found a place where he fits in, and he knows it and he's clinging to it.  If he's scared to lose it, it's only because he knows what it's like to not have it, and he never, ever wants that again.  He wants us.  And he's trying desperately to trust that we want him too.  And so every experience like this proves to him again that he is ours.  And we are his.  Forever. 

 

 

Overcoming and Becoming

Fifteen months next week.  That's how long Seth's been home.  That's how long he's had a family.  That's how long he's been a son.  A brother.  You want to know what I think about older child adoptions?  I think they are amazing.  I think they are also amazingly hard.  It's hard to see what institutionalization does to kids.  It's hard to see them fight their past, to overcome things that should never have happened to begin with.  It's hard to watch a child hurt, and it's hard to heal that hurt.  I alternate between being furious at his birth mom and being furious at the country who did this to him.  No child should ever have to overcome what he's been through. 

To take a child who is completely shut down, traumatized, delayed, non verbal, neglected, understimulated.... and watch them change into the person they were meant to be all along.... happy, connected, healing, learning, communicating, loved, confident, strong...  That, my friend, is a miracle to watch.  Older child adoption is a beautiful thing.  Completely and totally worth it.  Worth every struggle, every worry, every prayer, every tear, every frustration, every sleepless night.

Seth has taught us things we never knew we didn't know.  He's taught us more compassion, more love, more patience.  Watching my children fall in love with him, circle their own wagons, fight for him, grow with him, protect him..... well, that's been an awesome thing to watch.  To see them develop an aching in their heart for a messy, hurting little boy from across the ocean.  To see their eyes opened.  To watch them become his biggest cheerleaders.  Family. 

Seth's now in school..  He's a fast learner.  He's curious.  Inquisitive.  A problem solver.  He's blowing goals out of the water, learning new things every single day.  This boy.... this boy who came home not able to feed himself or brush his own teeth, this boy who was obsessed with water, became overwhelmed at everything, was completely sensory deprived, had likely never been read a book.... well, look at him now.  He's doing puzzles, stacking blocks, independently navigating an IPad, learning colors, shapes and letters.  Even more important than all of that though is his emotional health.  I think Seth has aged at least five years in the last 15 months.  In the video below, you can see it happening.  You can see him becoming healthier, stronger, more confident as the days go by.   He's firmly attached, happy, bonded.  He tries to be obedient.  Usually.  :)  He's learned his needs will be met promptly.  He's learned to trust.  He's learned we will not hurt him.  He's learned we will not leave him.  He's learned we will always act in his best interest.  He's learned what family is and why every child needs one. 

This little boy testifies of why children need families.

 

Every. Single. Day. 

This video was made by a friend of mine.  It's in chronological order, starting with the day we met him and ending just a few weeks ago. 

 

 

The Boys of Magala

Seth's previous institution is made up of about 70 children/ men.  Most are boys and men.  About 5 are girls.  There were roughly 5-6 groups, with boys/ men being grouped according to abilities/ disabilities.  They range in age from 6-35 years old.  At 35 years old, they are transferred out to a lower care facility.  I'm not exactly sure what constitutes "lower care". 

These boys are real.  I know them.  I know their names.  I know their trials and their personalities.  They are as real as our children.  They laugh.  They cry.  They get hungry.  They get cold.  They are tough boys and men, making the best of what life dealt them.  They are survivors, in every sense of the word. 

Here are a few of the faces of Magala.

This is Ivan.  Ivan is a sweet, sweet boy.  I'm not sure of his age, but he's certainly over 18.  He is a hard worker.  He helps the caregivers with chores, hanging laundry, carrying food and trash in and out.  I never heard him complain.  In fact, every time I saw him, he had a smile on his face.  He'd give us a friendly wave and keep on working.  I'm not sure I ever saw him when he wasn't working.

Vasha is one of our favorite boys.  Vasha is 17 now.  He's a smart boy.  We spent a lot of time with him.  He'd come see us every day and would walk with us, play with us, talk with us.  Vasha is very friendly.  A polite boy.  I have no idea why he's in an institution.  He's warm and funny and very intelligent. 

See the boy in the blue sweater?  His name is Uria.  Uria was Cohen's (Josiah on RR) buddy.  Uria helps a lot with the younger children.  When Cohen showed up at the institution, it was Uria who took him under his wing.  He patiently took on the role of big brother and looked after Cohen.  He'd push him on the swing, or walk him around and around and around the building.  At the institution, there are several boys who seem to be primarily helpers for the children.  Uria was one of them. 

 

Speaking of boys who help care for children, meet another Ivan.  Ivan is in the blue stocking cap and gray jacket.  He has apert syndrome and is totally awesome.  He always has a young boy with him.  Wherever Ivan goes, the little boy goes too.  Turns out, that's his little brother.  He's looking out for him, in the toughest of conditions.  :(  Ivan is a fabulous artist.  Considering his fingers are fussed, it's a miracle he can do all that he does, but every day, he'd bring us a new work of art he'd completed.  Ivan has a good heart and is an amazing big brother. 

Oh Sasha... what to say about Sasha?  Sasha is completely childlike.  He is innocent and pure and breaks my heart.  Of all the boys there, he's the one I worry about the most.  Sasha is 35, and that means he's about to be transferred.  Transfer will not be kind to Sasha.  Sometimes the director can keep men there by letting them work on the grounds.  I am hoping that Sasha can stay.  Sasha brings out every urge I have to protect.  Maybe because he's helpless to protect himself. 

And of course, I have to add a pic of "Frank" (not his real name).  Frank is in the gray sweater.  Frank is smart and fast and sweet and needs a father so, so badly.  This boy needs to be playing with legos in someones living room and going fishing and getting an education.  I love Frank.  My heart hurts for Frank.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wish we could have tucked him in our pocket and ran.  Ever feel like someone got left behind?  Yeah.  That's how I feel.  :( 

Frank is listed on Reeces Rainbow.  He needs a family.  There is no future for him where he's at.  He'd be an amazing son.  I have tons of pictures and a couple videos of him.  And lots and lots of information.  Please contact me if you are looking for a sweet 12 year old boy. 

http://reecesrainbow.org/?s=Frank

 

These are a few of the real boys living behind the gates of Seth's institution.  Real boys and men that I met and played with and got to know.  When you choose to help Helping Hands USA by providing Christmas for them, you are choosing to help one of these awesome boys.  You are bringing real joy to real people.

 

Christmas is eight days away.  We are only at 14% of our goal, to provide Christmas in Magala.  Could you donate to provide Christmas to Ivan?  Or Vasha? Or Uria? Or Ivan? Or Sasha?  Or Frank?

 

Real people, needing real help, needing to feel real love and charity.  It doesn't take much to make them happy.  Please consider a tax deductible donation through the chip in up above.

 

Thank you, from me and my friends.

Christmas in Magala

This year, our family is greatly anticipating and enjoying the Christmas season.  Last year, Seth had only been home 2 months and while he liked the festivities, he really didn't understand what was going on.  This year, he is noticing and understanding so much more.  It's fun to see his eyes light up when we go look at Christmas lights.  It was heart warming to watch his response to putting up the Christmas tree.  We have a lot of family traditions that center around Christmas and Seth is very much enjoying them.  We're doing a lot of talking about Christmas, the birth of Christ and the reason we do all the fun family things we do in December.  It's all brand new to him.  To see the wonder in his eyes in both amazing and heart breaking.

I wonder what Christmas' were like in Ukraine.  I wonder if he ever received a present.  I know he had nothing to his name when we left the orphanage with him.  Not a stuffed animal.  Not a toothbrush.  Not even a pair of underwear to call his own.  Six and a half years of life and he had not one material possession. 

I've done some thinking about other boys.  The boys at Magala.  The boys at Seth's institution.  Will they know it's Christmas?  Will Santa visit?  Will they hear Christmas carols about Christ's birth?  Will they dance?  Will they laugh?  Will they enjoy a feast fit for a King?  Probably not.  It's likely not in the budget.  Outfitting 70 boys with Christmas gifts and celebration would be expensive.  For Magala, Christ's birth would likely go uncelebrated.... unless someone helps them.  Unless someone brings Christmas, and Christ's love to them. 

Helping Hands USA would like to provide Christmas for Magala.  They'd like to share a celebration, leave a gift with each boy, provide a good holiday meal, and teach the boys that Christ is real, and they are cared for.  They need our help to do it.  Could you help provide? 

A donation of $15 would provide a party, a gift and meal for one boy.  There are 70 boys who live there.  Could you donate Christmas to just one boy?  There's a chip in on my blog.  If you can help, we would be so grateful.  Together, we've gotten wheelchairs to them, shipped clothing to them, provided fans and CD players to keep them entertained.  Together, we can do mighty things.  Together, we can bring them the spirit of Christmas.  It doesn't have to be a large amount and it is tax deductible.  Any amount is helpful.  I ask you from my heart to please consider their happiness, their needs, this season.  It takes so little to make these boys happy.  Please be a part of their Christmas miracle. 

 

From a primary song, entitled "How Will They Know"

 

"How will they know, the ones for whom we care,

That God is love and with us ev’rywhere,

That life is good, with blessings all can share?

How will they know unless we teach them so?"

 

This, my friends, is how they will know.  This is how we teach them.

The Twelve Days of Christmas For Moms with Kids with Special Needs:

Someone posted this on my facebook page last week and I love it.  All of this and more has happened to me during the thirteen months I've parented a child with a special need. 

The Twelve Days of Christmas for Special Needs: 
 

On the first day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: a child with special needs.

On the second day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: a heart full of love for my child with special needs...

.
 On the third day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: an ache in my heart and a heart full of love for my child with special needs.

On the fourth day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: a tear in my eyes, an ache in my heart and a heart full of love for my child with special needs.

On the fifth day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart full of love for my child with special needs.

On the sixth day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: a ray of hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart full of love for my child with special needs.

On the seventh day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart full of love for my child with special needs.

On the eighth day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: supportive friends, a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart full of love for my child with special needs.

On the ninth day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: remarkable doctors & therapists, supportive friends, a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in heart and my heart full of love for my child with a special needs.

On the tenth day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: an appreciation of small accomplishments, remarkable doctors & therapists, supportive friends, a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart full of love for my child with special needs.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me: a sense of pride and courage, an appreciation of small accomplishments, remarkable doctors & therapists, supportive friends, a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart full of love for my child with special needs.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the good Lord said to me: Reach out and share your sense of pride and courage, your appreciation of small accomplishments, your remarkable doctors & therapists, your supportive friends, your sense of humor, your ray of hope, your unsuspected strength for the tear in your eyes and the ache in your heart and your heart full of love for your child with special needs.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas, to all my friends who parent amazing children with special needs.

Where It All Began... The Chernivsti Baby House

Seven and a half years ago, in a town in Ukraine, a little boy was born.  He was born 6 weeks early, weighing 4 pounds, 2 oz and just 17 1/2 inches long.  He was blessed with beautiful blue eyes and sandy blond hair... and cerebral palsy.  I don't know all the details, but in what had to be a heart wrenching decision, his mother decided to give her son up to institutional care, believing that the state run orphanages were better equipped to care for a child with special needs.

That little boy lived the first two months of his life in a cold hospital bed, surely wondering what had happened to his nice warm safe surroundings.  A stark contrast to how life should have been.  At two months of age, that little boy was taken to the Chernivsti Baby House, where he became it's newest little charge of over 100 children.  He was issued a crib, a stack of diapers and a string of caregivers in charge of feeding him, changing him and keeping him alive. While baby houses are never ideal, Seth's first six years were safe.  He was well fed and generally cared for.  I know he didn't make it out of his play pen very often, but his baby house is considered one of the better ones in Ukraine.  His director was a kind, no nonsense woman who knows each child by name and would never stand for abuse or massive neglect. And for that, I am thankful.  The neglect that Seth suffered was due to the nature of institutional care- numerous children with many needs, not enough caregivers, not enough funding, rotating care, not enough hours in the day to stimulate the brains of over 100 young children... and so children lay in cribs and learn to entertain themselves all day long with virtually nothing.  That is the heartbreaking reality of even the best baby houses in Eastern Europe.

This is a peak inside Seth's baby house, where he was cared for for 6 1/2 years.  This place has a special place in my heart, because they took care of my boy before I knew he was my boy.

The entrance to the Chernivsti Baby House (that's our awesome facilitator):

 

The playground (Seth was not allowed to go outside, but I am sure many children enjoyed it):

 

Ludmilla, the director who said she loved Seth and that he was smart and sweet:

 

 

The therapy room, one of the few places Seth was able to go:

 

 

Hot tub donated to the baby house by my friend Stefanie for water therapy.  Ludmilla said Seth loved water therapy.  And he still does.  :)  Can't you just see him in there?

 

 

A caregiver working with one of the children:

 

 

Massage therapy.  I'm not sure how often they receive it or how effective it is, but I appreciate that they are doing the best they can:

 

 

Speech therapy, which they do as often as time permits.  With 100 children, it surely isn't enough.

If you look over in the sidebar to the pic of Seth in his overalls, you'll notice the same curtains and same white door.  Different table, but this was two years later.  I don't know if this is the room that pic was taken in, but that's a little surreal to me. 

 

Before we left Ukraine with Seth, I knew I wanted to go meet Ludmilla.  I knew I wanted to tour the baby house. I knew I needed to see for myself where Seth had spent so many years.  To understand him, I needed to see where he had lived.  I found Ludmilla to be gracious and efficient.  When she asked me what I'd like to know and I stumbled to say "Nothing really.  I just wanted to thank you for taking care of Seth and I wanted you to know he has a family who loves him now", she looked at me as tears welled up in my overtired, stressed, worried eyes and kindly gave me tidbits about my boy, insight into the little boy he was before he was transferred.  Little did she know that the boy she was describing was nothing like the little boy who was waiting for me just outside the baby house doors, in a parked car, with his new daddy beside him.  Little did she know how badly transfer had effected him and how changed he was because of the whole experience.  Little did she know that her words would become my life line for several months while we tried to reclaim and bring back the little boy she had loved for six years. 

Now I have an opportunity to give back to Ludmilla and the Chernivsti Baby House.  And I am beyond thrilled to have this chance.  Ludmilla has agreed to allow Life 2 Orphans an opportunity to help give Christmas to the more than 100 young children in her care.  It's called "Operation Christmas Cheer", and for $100, the children in the Chernivsti Baby House will be given a Christmas.  Each child will receive a small present, food and a Christmas party.  That works out to roughly $1 per child.  And they will be thrilled! What a treat for the children living inside.  What a joy Christmas morning will be!

Could you help be a part of this?  It won't take much.  Ten people donating $10 each will get us to our goal.  Or five people each giving $20.  Life 2 Orphans is a non profit entity, so this is a tax deductible donation.  This is their website:

http://www.life2orphans.org/cms/node/83

Click on the link.  Right under the pic is a link that says "Donate on-line".  Click on that and it will direct you to their paypal account.  There are some very important parts to this.  Grab a pen and paper and pay attention to this part. 

1. After you enter your payment, you will get a page that says "Please review your payment".  On that page, there is a blue link that says "For special instructions to the seller".  Click that and a box will open.  Specify in there that it is for "Operation Christmas Cheer" and that you want it to go to the Chernivsti Baby House, and

2. Let me know.  This is important.  Leave me a comment (or a fb private message) telling me how much you were able to donate.  I have committed to raising at least $100 for the baby house.  Your comments are the only way I have of tracking donations and knowing where we are on our goal.  I moderate all comments, so if you'd rather it be anonymous, tell me and I won't make your comment public. 

I know Christmas is a tight month.  We're all providing for our children.  We're all busy.  We're all broke.  :)  But this, to me, is what Christmas is all about.  As a family, we can surely part with $10-$15 to make Christmas happen for children who have nothing.  I can pull that money from somewhere.  To help her. To help them.  I can do that.  Can you help? 

 

***  Update!!  Thank you so much to everyone who helped us reach our goal of $100.  We did it, and I knew we would.  It makes me so happy to know those sweet children will feel loved on Christmas morning.  If you'd still like to contribute, you are welcome to.  There is nothing that says we can only donate $100.  Only that we commit to raise at least that much. 

A beautiful sight!

I'm always amazed when I see who all has donated to Seth's former institution.  When I see the list, I see that so many donations are from people I don't even know.  People who do not actually know Seth.  I'm amazed that Seth's story has touched so many and I'm reminded continually that one person can make a big difference.  In fact, we make a difference one person at a time, one good act at a time.  Today, I received pics of the wheelchairs arriving in Magala.  In truth, they've been there for a few weeks, but I was waiting for pics before I said anything, because I know you like pics.  :)  So here is what you did...

You took this:

And helped turn it into this (doesn't he look better already???)...

 

and this....

 

 

and this....

 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  To see them in decent, more modern wheelchairs, in good repair, is so heart warming.  Because I know the way they've been living.  I know how bad their wheelchairs were.  I know how broken they were, how old they were, how ripped up they were.  I knew what the institution was having to do to keep them in use .  They really have so little.  They expect so little.  I believe they should at least have a comfortable, safe place to sit.  This is well outside the meager budgets of an institution.  This was your doing, and I thank you for helping Helping Hands USA get them what they needed. 

 

Don't ever underestimate the impact of one small act of charity. 

 

Together, lots of small acts add up to big things.

 

If you have not already done so, please consider liking Helping Hands USA on facebook:

 

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Helping-Hands-Usa/239641486137013?fref=ts

 

Visit their website.  Follow what they're doing in Ukraine.  Support them. They are doing amazing things among those who are the most vulnerable, most needful. 

 

http://givethemjoy.org/