Our mini vacation and another lesson learned

This weekend, our family made a fast decision, packed up some bags and took a quick overnighter to Seattle. Between Seth's adoption and other family things, we have not had a real vacation with our kids in over two years. Realizing that one night is definitely not long enough to constitute a "vacation", it was all we had, and we enjoyed the spontaneousness of it. We took as many kids as could get away on that short of notice, and felt grateful that for the ones we were leaving, we knew they'd be good, make wise choices and take care of each other. They even made it to church on time. :) The wildest thing they did was run to Taco Bell at 4:00 in the morning. What a blessing that is!

On our way out of town, watching "Brother Bear".... 

 

Fun with flashlights... because what else to you do to entertain kids in the car after dark?

 

 

I swear this child is part fish.  Here he is showing off a new skill that his PT has been working with him on.  Hanging on to the side of the pool and side stepping, except he can't resist bobbing his face under water the entire way.  :) 

 

 

Adam and Hannah, hot tubbing...

 

 

Playing on the iPad, while waiting on some pizza.

 

We had a great (albeit short) trip, made some fun memories and learned some things along the way.  We saw several moments where we were reminded what amazing kids we've been blessed with... Hannah's kindness towards Seth in the pool.  She loved helping him swim, swimming on her back, with him floating on top of her. 

 

I gave each of the boys a quarter to buy a prize out of those little machines at Pizza Hut. Noah chose to use his to buy his sister a piece of "jewelry". I loved it so much that I gave him three more quarters so he could buy the other three sisters a piece of jewelry too. Each sister is now proudly wearing her "jewelry".

 

Sarah was so sweet to Noah and shared her iPod with him on the way home.  They played together for a very long time and it was sweet to watch our two children, 9 years apart in age, laughing and having fun. Our girls are always very kind to their brothers and always quick to help out.  We're grateful they truly like each other, even in the confines of a five hour trip in a suburban. 

 

We are so looking forward to a real vacation this year.  Our one day "quick trip" reaffirmed to us how much we've missed things like this, where we set aside the busy-ness of our lives, and all of the chores, and the doctors appts, and therapy appts, and IEP meetings, and basketball practices, and piano lessons, and grocery shopping.... and just spend some quality time laughing together.  Because it's those moments that make all the other moments worthwhile. 

 

We also learned some new things about Seth.  Seth has come a long, long way, but he is far from healed.  Seth has emotional baggage that will take years to resolve. Other than two quick trips to Montana, this was the first time in 15 months that Seth has not slept in his own bed.  He doesn't know what  a "mini vacation" is.  He had no frame of reference for "hotel room".  He was unsure of this whole idea when we hit the half way mark on our trip over.  I underestimated that.  Seth did well in the car ride, although the longer we drove, the more anxious he clearly became.  He ate a good lunch in the car and had a great time in the pool.  When we went back up to our room, it went steadily downhill. 

 

He refused dinner.  Refused snacks.  Refused drinks.  He HATED the hotel room.  He hated it so much, we had a very hard time getting him to sleep.  He cried for over two hours and we were at a loss as to what was wrong or how to help him.  He finely fell asleep, although it was not a good sleep.  I woke up at 2:51am, rolled over and looked at him, and he was wide awake, staring at me.  What was going on in the little brain of his?  Why was he so sad?  Why was he watching the door?  Why did he cry louder each time I walked away?  I tried laying with him.  I tried rocking him.  I tried playing primary music on the iPad, I tried sleeping sitting up, holding him, I tried walking around the room with him.  Nothing worked.  He was in constant vigilance. 

 

In the morning, we went down for breakfast.  I expected him to eat a ton, since he hadn't eaten anything since 2:00 the day before.  He did eat, but not as much as I thought he would.  We took kids back to the pool and Seth played, but with less enthusiasm. He was definitely more than ready to get out of the pool when we said it was time. Very unlike him.  He cried when we came back up to the room.  We quickly changed clothes and packed for leaving and Seth was elated to change clothes.  He even handed me his AFO's.  He was practically giddy as we left the hotel room.  After about an hour in the car, he began to deteriorate again and I knew he really needed sleep.  We stopped for lunch, where he cried almost the entire time and would not eat, and then became hysterical when we put him back in the suburban.  I gave him something to help him sleep, and thankfully, he finally fell asleep.  When he woke an hour later, he was a lot less weepy, but still anxious.  He was better if I sat beside him, and so I did. But he still would not eat.  We made it home, where he gladly fell into bed with a kiss and a prayer, and five hours later, he still has not moved.  

 

We are so glad we went.  Not only did our family need this time together, but we know that anything new is very hard on Seth, even after 15 months.  A new experience will be a new challenge, every time.  But now that he's experienced a "vacation" and he knows he comes home again, our next trip will be much better for him.  

 

It hurts my heart to be reminded again that he has no life experience for this type of thing.  He has no field of reference for a family packing up the suburban and heading out for an overnight getaway.  And anything he doesn't "know" yet, makes him apprehensive.  Because his mind will always always take him back to where he's come from.  Always. 

 

As I was talking with a friend of mine about this, I thought again just what families do for these kids.  It's not just a nice idea to adopt a child from an orphanage.  It's not just a way to grow a family.  Because really, this isn't about the family we used to be.  It's not about us doing something nice for a child.  It's not about us.  It's about him.  Adoption is about Seth.  It's about rescuing one boy from a life I cannot even wrap my mind around.  The loneliness.  The neglect.  The boredom.  The aching for love.  The missed life experiences.  Adoption is fixing that for a child.  For them, it's huge.  It's monumental.  It's life changing and life saving.   

 

Can you even imagine what his life was?  What any orphan's life is?  Would you ever want your own children to live that way?  Of course not.  But he IS ours.  And we're in the business now of raising a child who's come from that background, and so I need to stop being surprised that he is still absolutely terrified that at some point in time, he will be "transferred" again, out of our care and into his next facility.  I need to quit being surprised that he's afraid this will one day end.  I need to expect that he will worry when faced with new experiences, because who would want to give up a family, to go back there?  Who would want to lose a family it took 6 1/2 years to find, only to be abandoned again?  Who can blame him for being anxious about that?  And you know what all this really means?  You know what the beauty of this is?  He loves us.  He really, really loves us.  He's attached.  He's found a place where he fits in, and he knows it and he's clinging to it.  If he's scared to lose it, it's only because he knows what it's like to not have it, and he never, ever wants that again.  He wants us.  And he's trying desperately to trust that we want him too.  And so every experience like this proves to him again that he is ours.  And we are his.  Forever. 

 

 

Overcoming and Becoming

Fifteen months next week.  That's how long Seth's been home.  That's how long he's had a family.  That's how long he's been a son.  A brother.  You want to know what I think about older child adoptions?  I think they are amazing.  I think they are also amazingly hard.  It's hard to see what institutionalization does to kids.  It's hard to see them fight their past, to overcome things that should never have happened to begin with.  It's hard to watch a child hurt, and it's hard to heal that hurt.  I alternate between being furious at his birth mom and being furious at the country who did this to him.  No child should ever have to overcome what he's been through. 

To take a child who is completely shut down, traumatized, delayed, non verbal, neglected, understimulated.... and watch them change into the person they were meant to be all along.... happy, connected, healing, learning, communicating, loved, confident, strong...  That, my friend, is a miracle to watch.  Older child adoption is a beautiful thing.  Completely and totally worth it.  Worth every struggle, every worry, every prayer, every tear, every frustration, every sleepless night.

Seth has taught us things we never knew we didn't know.  He's taught us more compassion, more love, more patience.  Watching my children fall in love with him, circle their own wagons, fight for him, grow with him, protect him..... well, that's been an awesome thing to watch.  To see them develop an aching in their heart for a messy, hurting little boy from across the ocean.  To see their eyes opened.  To watch them become his biggest cheerleaders.  Family. 

Seth's now in school..  He's a fast learner.  He's curious.  Inquisitive.  A problem solver.  He's blowing goals out of the water, learning new things every single day.  This boy.... this boy who came home not able to feed himself or brush his own teeth, this boy who was obsessed with water, became overwhelmed at everything, was completely sensory deprived, had likely never been read a book.... well, look at him now.  He's doing puzzles, stacking blocks, independently navigating an IPad, learning colors, shapes and letters.  Even more important than all of that though is his emotional health.  I think Seth has aged at least five years in the last 15 months.  In the video below, you can see it happening.  You can see him becoming healthier, stronger, more confident as the days go by.   He's firmly attached, happy, bonded.  He tries to be obedient.  Usually.  :)  He's learned his needs will be met promptly.  He's learned to trust.  He's learned we will not hurt him.  He's learned we will not leave him.  He's learned we will always act in his best interest.  He's learned what family is and why every child needs one. 

This little boy testifies of why children need families.

 

Every. Single. Day. 

This video was made by a friend of mine.  It's in chronological order, starting with the day we met him and ending just a few weeks ago.