To Welcome Seth Home

Tomorrow, something very significant is going to happen in Seth's life.  Seth will be introduced to his siblings and to one set of his grandparents.  A child who has never known family will now have six brothers and sisters.  His brothers and sisters have never known a child who has spent their life in an orphanage.  They don't really know what institutionalization does to a childs spirit.  They've never experienced the reality of living with a child who has experienced profound loss.  And they've never lived with a child with a special need. 

Believe it or not, most orphans are not initially incredibly grateful to be a part of a family.  Most do not throw themselves into your arms and express their love and thankfulness.  What they do express is years and years of near or outright neglect, abandonment, boredom, understimulation, lack of social skills, manners, and basic life skills.  These are not, initially, well adjusted children.  These are hurt children.  And that hurt manifests itself in a variety of ways as they learn to trust and heal.  But this is a process, and it's sometimes painfully slow.  And sometimes just plain painful.  You have never heard a cry til you hear an orphan cry.  :(

To our dear friends and extended family in the Spokane area, we ask that you give us some time to begin to heal Seth, to teach him about love, trust and family.  Just like when we have a newborn, it takes time to adjust and find your new groove.  We know you all love him, are excited for him to have found his family and are anxious to meet him and welcome him.  We love you for that.  But please wait.  :)  Give us time with our "newborn".  

We are asking that everyone give us a month before trying to meet Seth.  You are welcome to come to our door, but understand when we step outside, rather than having you step in.  Please understand when we limit our social schedule, cancel on obligations, and generally make ourselves unavailable so we can make ourselves more available to our children.  For the next month, Jeremy and I will be focusing primarily on our six children who have not seen their parents in almost seven weeks, and on Seth.  We will be hesitant to commit to anything that is not directly related to one of our children.  If it's optional, we probably won't be there. Seth is simply not ready. 

If you see us out in public, you are welcome to wave to us and even come up and say hi, but please limit contact with Seth.  Remember that this is a child who up until a week ago, had never been outside the walls of his orphanage.  He is taking in and processing so much, so fast.  It will be overwhelming to him.  Something as basic as a trip to the grocery store is brand new to him.  He's never been to a park, to church, to a library.  He will need to experience each of those and be taught how to behave.  That takes time.  Please be compassionate.  Understand that orphans are not typical childen. 

We appreciate you understanding and your cooperation.  We are ever so grateful for your prayers and support during this process, and we look forward to sharing an incredible little boy with you when he is ready.

Happy Gotcha Day, Seth!

Day 11 is the happiest day in the adoption process.  Day 11 is the day after Day 10, the official end to the ten day wait.  The day you can usually go get your child.  A day called "Gotcha Day".  Day 11, for us, started with a ton of running around and paper work.  We had been sweating bullets all week because our judge had said that he would not issue our decree until the following week, on Wednesday, when all decrees are issued for the village.  We showed up with a storm of prayers being said on our behalf, prepared to cry, beg and do whatever it took to get him to sign the decree.  Everything hinged on that decree.  Without it, none of the other paperwork can get started and we couldn't have gotten Seth.  When we showed up, our decree was already signed and waiting on his desk.  Miracle #1. 

We quickly left and ran to the birth certificate office.  In this region, birth certificates are difficult to change.  It usually takes several days to process the paperwork and five days to mail from one office to the other, an office located four blocks away.  Time we just don't have.  Our facilitator had told us she was committing the whole day to just getting the birth certificate, and if she could just get that accomplished, she'd be happy.  We were in and out of the birth certificate offices, with new birth certificate in hand, by 2:45.  Miracle #2.

Next up was the Tax ID office.  The lady was very helpful and said we should have our new number within two days.  Our facilitator asked her to please do it right away because Seth needs to get home.  We walked out with a new tax ID number 15 minutes later.  Miracle #3.

Off to the passport office.  It was a little after 4:00.  We knew the region was out of one day passports so all we really wanted to do was get our application turned in and make an appt for first thing Monday morning.  We got our application turned in and have an appt for Seth's picture tomorrow at 9:00am.  Also, a promise to try to get our passport to us, in Kiev, on Thursday, rather than the normal five day wait.  Miracle #4. 

With ten minutes to spare, we raced to the bank to close out Seth's bank account.  In his country, each orphan has an account that money is deposited into each month.  When the child turns 18, they receive that money to help them get established.  If they are adopted before that, the family cashes out the account and can choose to keep the money or donate it to the orphanage.  Usually, the money is donated.  We agreed the orphanage needs the money far more than we do.  We got there and the lady took his bank books.  She agreed to fill out the paperwork but said we'd need to come back on Monday for the money.  We started on the paperwork.  As we finished up, we looked at her and saw that she was counting out the money.  She smiled, wished us well, and sent us on our way.  Miracle #5.

Five miracles in one day.  Our facilitator never expected to get so far.  She expected to need all day Monday to finish up the paper chase.  Our facilitator was surprised.  We were not.  It's what we had been praying for.  What our friends and family had been praying for.  I believed we'd see miracles on Seth's behalf and God showed His hand.

Because of the lateness of the day, we decided to call it a day and get Seth out in the morning, So the next morning, bright and early, we headed out.  We pulled in, saw the director, signed paperwork, took treats to all the boys, and went to find Seth.  He hadn't seen us the day before, so he was quite happy we were there.  And I'm sure he knew something was up.  He was so excited he could barely sit still.  There were so many adults crammed in the room!  We got him out of the wheelchair one last time and changed his clothes. 

Our friends from the Source of Life Church were there visiting and asked if they could say prayers for us.  They had me, Jeremy and Seth stand in the middle while they encircled us and one after the other, pleaded with Heavenly Father for our quick process, smooth transition, and safe travels.  Powerful.  With tears in our eyes, we thanked our friends, and then, it was time to go.  We hugged boys, cried, shook hands, promised to send pictures.  The director wished us well and expressed his gratitude for the life Seth was being given.  He said he wants to be invited to Seth's wedding. :)  And on that note, we said goodbye, climbed in the car and drove away from the only life Seth has known.  As we looked back, one of the teenage boys, Volvo, was following us on his bike.  A reminder that there are still boys behind those gates.  Boys needing and wanting out. 

So how is Seth doing?  He's doing well.  He is a sweet, sweet boy.  He loves to cuddle.  He is very content to explore on his own.  Opening and closing doors and drawers.  He's a good sleeper.  He goes to sleep by 8:00 and gets up around 6:00.  He is used to going to bed on his own.  For bonding purposes, we choose to lay with him.  He is happy and affectionate, is trusting and is a good eater.  But he's going through loss.  Because as cruddy as his life was, it was his "normal".  It's all he knows.  And we're in the process of once again, for the last time, completely turning his world upside down.  I'm sure he's nervous and scared.  Confused.  And his mommy and daddy don't even speak his language.  We are learning to comfort a little boy coming from institutional care, and all the emotional baggage that it entails.  How do you heal a child like this?  The same way you comfort and love any child.  Unconditionally, without pre-conceived expectations, without judgement, with your whole heart. 

Happy Gotcha Day, Seth!!  Welcome to our family. 

How do you rescue 147 million orphans?  One child at a time. 


**  I'd post pics, but we don't have a good enough internet connection right now.  We are going to Kiev tomorrow and I will be posting pics shortly.  :)

Amazing transformations and the power of love

In just over a month, Seth has went from not being able to sit up unassisted, not even crawling, not tracking movement or making eye contact, his legs being stiff and his feet at a hard point, to this:

Flexing to a flat foot (not bearing weight yet):

Refusing a wheelchair and instead, sitting up, unassisted in a chair to eat his apple:

Sitting cross legged on the floor:

 Look how pleased he is!  All he needed was a chance.  And to get out of the wheelchair he's been in for three straight months.  We haven't taught him anything.  He knew it.  We've massaged, stretched, let him out of the wheelchair, gotten out of his way and given him room to soar.  He's done the rest.  He knows what he wants to do.  We sit back and watch him, absolutely amazed at his determination!  He just needed a chance.  And a family to believe in him.

Our day in court- Take 2

So, the good news is that two jurors showed up and neither was intoxicated.  :)  That's always a good start to a court.  Also, unlike last time, the judge was on time and was super efficient in getting things moving. He was not messing around.  Honestly, we like the judge.  He seems like a good man.  He's just nervous because this is his first adoption, and he's a stickler for rules and timelines, and that is frustrating our facilitator who is trying to get Seth out of the institution and us home. 

Court started off pretty much like our court on Friday.  They hit Jeremy with a few questions that were mostly repeats, but then got into a few that we didn't expect. 

They asked him if he could afford to adopt Seth.  He said yes.  

They asked him if we had room in our house.  He said yes. 

They asked how our other children felt about us adopting this child with a "difficult" special need? Jeremy said they already love him. 

They asked how Jeremy thought that I could handle a child with a difficult special need. Jeremy said "the same way she handles the other six". 

They asked him if he realized a child with a special need is difficult (do you notice a trend here?).  Jeremy said yes. 

They said "How can your wife have time to be a mother to this boy when she has six other children and a business?".  Jeremy turned around and looked at me and said "Because she's a WONDERFUL mother". 

Dead silence......  Have I mentioned how much I love him? 

Then they called me up.  On Friday, they only asked me one question.  Today, they grilled me. 

How did we find him?

Why a child with a special need? 

Why, when that would be difficult? 

How big is our house? 

Where would Aleksey (his real name) sleep? 

With who would he sleep? 

And the kicker- how would I divide my love with yet another child.  I told them love isn't divided, that we have a capacity to love far greater than we realize, and loving Aleksey in no way detracts from the overwhelming love I have for my other children. 

Would I be able to love him as I love our other children?  I told them I already do.

Silence.  Again.

The inspector (social worker) stated that children need to be in families and that in America, Aleksey can get therapy, healthcare and an education that is just not available to children with special needs in Ukraine.  The director of his institution said that he and the caregivers have seen big improvements in Aleksey's health since we've started visiting, that he waits for us and gets excited when he sees us and seems anxious when we aren't there.  We've only missed one visit and that's because they closed the road to his institution.  He said he very much wants Aleksey to be adopted by our family, that we make Aleksey happy and can give him care that Ukraine cannot. 

We showed them our photo book of our family and a slideshow of our time with Aleksey, 21 pictures showing his progression with us from when we met him to now.  Undeniable proof that we love Aleksey and Aleksey loves us. 

Finally, they recessed and thankfully, it was not for the two hours the judge needed on Friday.  In fact, it was about ten minutes.  They came back, got down to business and said they agreed to approve our petition for adoption.  Relief!!  Huge relief.  And tears.  Because at that point, I was rattled enough to be very unsure how they'd rule. 

So the new glitch is really very minor and I have full confidence in our facilitator to handle it.  There is a customary 10 day wait that is never waived in this region.  In fact, there is only one region in all of Ukraine where that is waived.  We aren't in it.  We knew that and didn't even ask.  The purpose of the 10 day wait is to see if any family steps forward to protest.  Since Seth's mother gave up rights when he was 2, and since he has had absolutely no visits or contact in his life, they will not be contacted and this isn't a problem.  The other reason for the 10 day wait is procedural, to give them time to file and process all paperwork.  Our 10 day wait ends on Oct 20th, so we should be able to get him out on the 21st.  However, in his region, they only file decrees on Wednesdays.  The judge said we will need to wait til the following Wednesday, Oct 26th, to pick up the decree and get him out.  Our facilitator is on this, to do everything in her power to get him out on the 21st or the following Monday, at the latest, and we trust her to do this.  There is little doubt in my mind that she will get her way.  :)  It pays to have a bulldog for a facilitator.  Whatever.  Just get the boy out.

Here we are, in front of the court house, right after our hearing.  Happy parents, one more time:

In case you're still wondering

In case you're still wondering if it's all worth it, to save one little boy, when so many
children continue to exist in orphanages, take a look at yesterday.

First time on a teeter tooter:

Pure joy!!

Still think it doesn't matter?  It matters to him.

You're right.  Jeremy and I can't save them all.

Consider what you can do for a child.

God's amazing and perfect plan for families

I've thought a lot this week about delays and how to overcome them.  I've wondered at how quickly Seth will be able to catch up or if he even will be able to catch up in all areas.  I've thought about what puts a child in this position, and what is the biggest reason for what he has to overcome.  We expected Seth to be delayed.  We knew orphanage life was not condusive to raising a healthy, well adjusted, well rounded, academically over achieving child.  :)  We expected him to be a somewhat typical 4 year old. 

What we were unprepared for is the results of institutionalization. We thought he'd know how to play with legos and color.  We assumed he'd know how to turn the pages of a book or cuddle a stuffed animal.  Not so.  But even more surprising and startling than that is that we've had to teach him basic things.  Things I never even realized we taught children.  Things like making eye contact, or even looking our way when we call his name, to visually track things, to respond to sounds.  We did not expect to have to teach him proper displays of emotion.  Specifically, how to trust enough to cry rather than laugh.  How to allow someone to hold you when you get an owie.  How to receive comfort.  Right now, when he gets hurt, he laughs and pushes me aside.  Receiving comfort takes trust.  Something he isn't prepared to give yet.  So he doesn't.  Right now, he laughs for any emotion he feels.  Heartbreaking that a little boy can't cry.  Because he can't trust.  I wasn't prepared for that.  I wasn't prepared for the emotional devastation that results from abandonment, orphanage life, transfer and institutionalization. 

I've spent some time considering life in healthy families.  Even moderately healthy families.  Even somewhat dysfuntional families.  In almost every scenario I can think of, children will get at least enough contact and attention, enough stimuli, to make the necessary steps to begin forming bonds, emotional connections and the building blocks to semi productive relationships.  It just happens.  We give our children so much, without even realizing what we do.  It's instinct.  We respond when they cry.  We cuddle them when they need it.  We provide appropriate toys and experiences to help them develop.  We talk to them.  We listen to them.  We don't even consider the foundation this is laying. 

So how bad does life have to be for those building blocks to not have been laid?  How neglectful must his childhood have been that I now have a sensory deprived, emotionally challenged, eye contact avoiding six year old on my hands?  And what could have been done to avoid this? 

God has a plan.  A plan for His children.  That plan includes a family for every child.  In His plan, children don't get abandoned.  Children are not rejected.  Children are cherished and loved and taught, and are given what they need to continue on and have a healthy family of their own.  In His perfect plan, that is the way it works.  And there is amazing wisdom in that plan.  We are now dealing with the ramifications of what happens when mothers, instead, choose abandment and rejection.  The children suffer.  And they suffer mightly.  They suffer more than I ever comprehended.  I always understood the Lord's plan for families.  I always knew of it's truthfulness.  But until I experienced, firsthand, what happens when that plan fails in such huge disasterous proportions such as this, I did not fully comprehend the beauty and the simplicity of the most basic builing block of the Lord's church- family. 

Parents, love your children.  Hold them close.  Cherish them.  Forgive them.  Whatever they require to be whole, be prepared to give them that, and more.  Jeremy and I are now in the business of healing a child.  A very traumatized and fragile child.  We are honored to be called upon to do this.  Seth is amazing.  The progress he's already made is astounding.  Love heals.  Love conquers.  Family is absolutely central to the Creator's plan.  My testimony of that has never, ever been stronger, because I've never before witnessed what happens to a child when that system has so completely failed.  Please continue to keep Seth in your prayers as we work so very hard to shower him with the love he's lacked his entire life, to heal a little boy.  To bring hope to a child's life.  Pray for him.